See the two tubes resting on my bathroom sink in the photo above? Here’s what they look like when turned around:
Pretty similar, huh? Makes you think it’s not impossible for someone to accidentally brush her teeth with extra strength pain relieving cream, right?
That’s exactly what I did on Friday night. It took 20 seconds of brushing before I realized that the bitter burning on my tongue felt different than the usual minty tingle of Crest toothpaste.
Frantically I screamed, “Oh sh*t! Oh sh*t! I’ve been brushing my teeth with Icy Hot this whole time!” Panicked, I spit everything out in the sink, rinsed out my mouth, and began rubbing my teeth and tongue with my fingers.
My husband, Brian, came rushing in with smart phone in hand, reading results from a quick Internet search : “Ingestion of Icy Hot may cause death!”
My mind raced. I had three thoughts, and they arrived in the following order:
- Oh crap, I’m going to die.
- My siblings co-signed my college loans, and if I die now they’ll owe my lenders $60,000.
- This will make an excellent blog post for Monday.
After cleaning out my mouth, I consulted Google for further information. The first link I clicked on was a Yahoo Answers discussion titled Can someone die from eating Icy Hot?. It read:
“Recently a friend of mine got used by a guy, and we plan on making him a cake including pee, tampons and Icy Hot. Could he die or even be hurt by this? We don’t want to got to jail, just teach him a lesson. Any suggestions about what else we could put in it that won’t hurt/ kill him?”
One response said:
“Yes, they can die. Do not make the cake out of Icy Hot. Put poop instead.”
Ah, the Internet.
I stripped naked as I usually do before getting into bed (because Dr. Oz says women should ventilate their lady parts at night), and instructed Brian to put my clothes back on before the ambulance arrives, if I died in my sleep.
He said, “Can I have sex with you one more time when you’re dead?”
“Eww! No. If you do I’ll kill you.”
“You wouldn’t be able to because you’d be dead,” he answered.
“Fine, then my ghost will haunt you forever.”
Brian was reading from my Nook during this conversation, and I was annoyed that he wasn’t more concerned about my impending doom. I also blamed him for what happened. After all, it was his pain relieving ointment, and his decision to leave it on the bathroom sink right near the toothpaste. (Desperation always leads to the blame game.)
But as I closed my eyes that night, and dark silence filled the room, my panic and anger subsided. They were replaced by the following 2 thoughts:
- I want to be held by my husband as I die.
- Am I happy with who I am and what I’ve contributed? Did I live a brave life?
My near-death experience was not as dramatic or heroic as the stories of others. I wasn’t saving an old lady from a burning building. I wasn’t trying to survive in the wilderness long enough to be rescued after a bear attack. And I didn’t get so far as to see a white light at the end of a tunnel.
But one thing’s for sure: a crisis puts everything in your life into perspective. Priorities become crystal clear– and they usually involve the quality of your relationships, the well-being of your spirit, and of course, the size of your balls.
Kim….You’re SO on the mark! I just got icy hot on the tip of my tongue…just a wee wee amount…I’m sitting here…mouth foaming…and I’m concerned the way my dog is looking at me! Besides the fuzzy tongue, lets not forget rapid heartbeat, and hot flashes every 10-15 min. OH! And the impending fear of throat closure and yes, death… Folks, this was due to only .00000005 ml on the tip of my tongue!!! O have called poison control at the hospital. Recommendations were milk or cheese yogurt (my choice was blueberry) and flush flush flush!!!! I highly HIGHLY suggest a trip to the ER immediately if ingested in any quantity… anything over 1/4 tsp. This is very serious! This can cause breathimg problems… Glad to see you pulled through after ingesting that much. I’d be on 9-11!!!
Oh no, you too?! Yes, we’re lucky considering how dangerous it is to ingest that stuff. I’ll remember blueberry yogurt and poison control next time!
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I’m glad you’re ok, Kim! I feel slightly morbid and wrong laughing at what was undoubtedly a scary moment for you, but you’re such a wonderful writer and you are able to convey just about anything with a lot of humor and class
I think you should consider writing a book (fiction) someday so you can go nuts and showcase all of your abilities!
Aww, thanks Alicia! I actually attempted my first fictional short story recently. It ended up being a dark political satire, of all things. Not sure if the world is ready for my imagination (nor if my fiction is ready to be seen), but thanks for your kind words of encouragement.
Wait don’t hold us in suspence…Did you die?
Nope. But I’m sure what you really want to know is if I’m brown in the spirit world too. I’m guessing yes, but glowy. I’ll be like a glowy turd.
If you are expecting an insightful reply here fuggedaboutit! The real crisis would have come if Brian had used toothpaste to ward off his ouchies. That would have been painful.
It was actually a cream that you put over sore muscles. It feels icy and tingly, then it starts to burn. If it had been reversed, Brian would’ve only had to endure minty hamstrings!
You silly goose. I bet it your mouth was really minty fresh that night! For future reference,please call poison control! For real! For a poison emergency in the U.S. call 1-800-222-1222 for humans and your fuzzy peeps: “Animal Poison Control Center: (888) 426-4435″. If you call and it turns out it was one of those ‘anxiety girl’ moments, at least you could make someone’s day who’s working the poison control hotline. “Hey Alice… you’ll never guess what this last caller told me!”
Stay safe!
Thank you for the info! I can always count on you to provide the proper way of handling things/ cooking things/ recycling things.
I found a lump once… I had all the arrangements made before seeing my doctor and getting a referral for a biopsy. At the time my kids were still at home and my biggest fear was my ex husband would get custody and screw up all my hard work and sacrifice, thus erasing what I hoped would be my most important contribution and achievement. I realized later that whatever I contributed would be accredited to their own brilliance and defiance of their lame mother.
It was benign.
Ha! Yes. (Aimed only at your second to last statement.)
Funny how when confronted with illness–which often leads to worst-case-scenario thinking– our biggest priorities, fears, insecurities, and best/ worst parts of us become unmasked.
And yay! (Aimed at your last statement.)