Some women are afraid of having children because their bodies will suffer The 3 F’s: Floppy boobs, Flabby tummy, and Freaky vagina.
Speaking of vaginas, some women are afraid to push a watermelon-sized object through theirs. Understandable.
Some people are afraid because they still feel like big kids themselves, so who knows if they’ll be any good at parenthood. I mean, what if you’re 32 years old and still hate vegetables, fail to make your bed in the morning, and are too emotionally unstable to handle things like a shopping trip at Ikea?
And some people are afraid that kids are just plain evil:
I don’t connect with any of these fears. In fact, I’m excited about pregnancy, birthing, and motherhood. I mean, just look at how excellent I am at being an aunt:
Still, I’m struggling with a major fear of my own. Babies are dangerous for a women like me, who have entrepreneurial dreams plus a husband trying to establish himself as a self-employed artist. See, it’s more than just a fear of what motherhood will mean for our careers– it’s about our dreams potentially slipping away, and who we might turn into as a result of having lost them. Maybe that sounds selfish. And maybe all of our priorities will get turned on their heads once an amazing tiny human is entrusted to our care. But for now, this is the fear we face.
Interestingly, there’s a common thread among all of the potential-parent-related fears listed above: the dismantling of one’s identity.
Who will you be if your hard-earned body and beauty go to hell? Will you still be desirable? Will you still feel special? As a woman, do you still count?
What will it mean if you’re bad at parenthood? Are you a failure? Are you an undisciplined, irresponsible, selfish non-grown up?
Who will you be if you don’t achieve your dreams? Will you be doomed to perpetual unhappiness and regret? Will you be someone who never achieved their own personal standard of success?
Maybe the best thing any of us can do is get a handle on who we truly are– with or without babies, or changes, or dreams unreached.
If you can feel beautiful and worthy even with the 3 F’s…
If you can accept your imperfections as a parent yet steadily improve at Loving because you haven’t given up on or your child (or yourself)…
And if I can see my career as a journey filled with meaning as opposed to a destination that ensures happiness…
Maybe then our true identities will be unshakeable.
In fact, by doing these things we’ll be more than just unshakeable– we’ll thrive. Which works out nicely, because if you’re thriving on the inside, it’s impossible to be a bad parent or be emotionally crushed by your freaky vagina.
Hi Kim! Like so many of your articles, I loved reading this. Here are my two cents:
There’s no way to calm the fears. I think it’s Joyce Meyers who said it, but “sometimes you have to do it afraid”, and I think this isn’t any more true than of parenting.
Luckily for me I was launched into the parenthood role without planning it or expecting it. I say “luckily” because I wasn’t given time to stress about the very things you write about. I definitely had to put my dreams and goals on hold when I had my oldest daughter. Having a child was about daily sacrifice (putting grad school on hold, sleep on hold, MY wants/needs on hold… I could go on and on). There’s no way around that one. But somehow when it’s for your own offspring, the sacrifice is worth it. I won’t lie though, the first year was extremely hard for me. Even though I knew I was doing the best thing for my daughter, being a full time, stay at home mom meant I had to learn a new identity. No longer could I get my self-worth from doing really well in school or working hard at my job. I know some women feel called to be a wife/mother but having gotten married/pregnant very young (ages 23/24) I didn’t yet feel that maternal instinct pulling me in that direction. As selfish as it may sound, I specifically planned to have my second child while I was still in grad school b/c I knew that once I began counseling (my other calling in life) I was not going to want to “start over” with an infant and again have to put my needs/wants aside.
This probably sounds like I have no loving, nurturing bone in my body. But I really do. My daughters are my world. I love them with a love only a mother can experience. And I think I do a pretty damn good job at raising them up, teaching them, nurturing them, and helping them become their own individuals. Being a counselor makes me a better mother, and being a mother makes me a better counselor. And I get blessed daily (no joke, every single day) by having them in my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Hi Adriane! Thanks so much for this comment. I was hoping you’d chime in because you’ve got young kids and a private practice that you’re trying to build. This part is scary: “putting grad school on hold, sleep on hold, MY wants/needs on hold… I could go on and on”. Ahhh! Well…at least I can look to you and know that even if all that needs to happen, it won’t crush me, nor permanently derail my dreams and goals. It really seems like there’s a lot of shifting, waiting, trading, and compromising involved…all of which are doable, but just not part of anyone’s fantasy career path. And no, you don’t sound like you’re unloving or not nurturing…you just strategically planned your second child well.
First, let me remind you…my grandfather clock is ticking! But seriously (and from the male point of view), we bring children into the world because that is the great plan of the universe. Every child is, for us who have come before, that new pre-cynical soul that seeks to love and be loved in the purest sense. Children are, in the trust sense, the embodiment of life-changing possibility. And as a husband, I never loved my wife more than when she became mother to Brian. And Brian was and remains God’s greatest gift to us. Children may come with a physical (especially for women) and financial cost, but the potential payoff is amazing.
I know your clock is ticking! Loudly, since the day I met you.
When it boils down to it, I am so excited to have / raise/ love/ be changed and challenged by a child. And I know that when it happens I’ll want to drop so many of my current desires and plans and frivolous worries in order to be the best mom I can be. I just don’t want one of those dropped items to be what is my current precious baby– this website!
You’ll be a great mother to both. Furthermore, being a mom will broaden your world of topics immensely.
Parenthood – motherhood – can indeed be a terrifying prospect, and I identify completely with both of you. I waited until I turned 40 to have a baby, and didn’t get married until I was 39. Though my son is just 12 weeks old now, I can tell you that the fears both intensify and dissipate. What has intensified is my fear FOR my son, of potential hurts and harms I, his father or the world may inflict upon him. What has dissipated is my fear OF my child and his impact on my own self-image, identity, sense of purpose and self-reliance.
Being with my son takes me blissfully out of my self and all of the concerns I had before about who I was. I struggled for years with trying to clarify my goals and find my way on the path I had chosen; now, I have ditched that arduous path in favor of one that works better for me as a mother, and, I’d argue, as who I really am. I find that I’m more relaxed, less serious, more content and more fulfilled than ever. I know this doesn’t happen for every mother, but I’m glad it’s the way motherhood is shaping up for me.
Incidentally, there’s no reason that pregnancy and birth have to rob you of your figure for good! I ate healthfully (generally) and exercised during my pregnancy and the 30 pounds I gained came right off in the first two months of breastfeeding and lifting my little chunk of a child.
Oh, and I meant to point you to this link, on how having a child is a truly “epistemically transformative experience”; it is one you can’t understand until you do it: http://www.npr.org/blogs/13.7/2013/03/11/173977133/is-having-a-child-a-rational-decision. There’s no way to know what having a child will be like for you, and you can choose to either take the leap or not. I think it’s important to face the fears we have about becoming parents, and to understand if we really WANT to experience that transformation or go merrily about the lives we know. Some people really don’t want children and their lives are perfectly rich without them, and some people think they want them but aren’t really ready to adopt the flexibility the experience requires (since we can’t know what it’s going to be like, we can’t expect it won’t change us or call for us to change some aspects of our lives).
I am the kind of person who thrives in changing environments, and I love the dynamic nature of human development. I was thrilled to have the chance to do something new and I’m excited to follow my child as he grows.
That’s funny, another reader just emailed me that link in response to this blog post! It’s definitely an interesting article, and it’s true that you can’t presume to know what parenthood will be like for you unless you’re already there. Without having all the answers or a crystal ball, I’m taking the leap. Despite my anxiety, I know (and have always known) that motherthood is part of my calling.
And like you, I LOVE the nature of human development and I’m looking forward to growing as a parent as my child grows into adulthood. Maybe it’s just because I’m a therapist and am therefore a mix of well-adjusted and freakin’ nuts…but I’m excited to experience the growing pains of parenthood– the shift from being a good parent to a child vs. a teenager vs. an adult.
First, congratulations, new mom! Wishing you and your family all the best!
Thank you so much for your comment. I find that most things I feel extremely anxious about turn out to be totally fine and manageable. Of course, as time rolls forward my old anxieties are usually replaced by new ones. (Oh well.) But still, it’s comforting to know that yes, life changed for you, and yes, you’ve changed to some degree…but, for the most part, they’re good changes. I hope I rise to the occasion of motherhood as well as you have.
Is it possible that the fear of what motherhood will do to our girly bits is symbolic for the fear of what it might do to the rest of our lives? Everything about becoming a mother terrifies me at times. Then I see little baby fingers and toes, or watch my niece turning into a teenager and how afraid I am doesn’t quite matter.
With the fear, I kind of think that if there weren’t at least a little bit of it I’d be crazy. It’s bringing life into the world, nurturing little people into full fledged adults and committing to loving them for the rest of life – without even having met them. How can I not be a little bit scared of that? The touch of fear is an acknowledgement of the immensity of parenthood. Right now it’s still the unknown, and it’s a huge one.
Excellent point and very well said. You know something is important when it makes you scared as hell, and often times our fears are symbolic of even larger ones. Makes me wonder if my career fears are linked to something bigger– like the idea that if I’m not doing exactly what I want to do every day, I’ll live a miserable life. Which actually has nothing to do with parenthood.
I like your other point too– that as much as we have ideas about what parenthood might look like, parenthood is still the unknown. And it’s way too easy to jump to the worst possible conclusions.