We have all experienced a personal sh*t storm of one kind or another. Maybe it was a career slump, a rough patch in your marriage or relationship, financial hardship, a health scare, or even a death.
I don’t know what your sh*t storm is, but I know it’s an important part of your life story. I know it has helped define you because that’s what hardships, trauma, and challenges do.
The question is: Who have you become since then? Are you bitter or better because of your personal sh*t storm? Are you any braver?
When I suffered from a depression and quarter-life crisis in 2005, I was broken down into a sorry puddle of blah. Everything I once knew to be true about Life and Love seemed like a big fat lie, and I spent nearly 3 years mourning over it all.
My guess is I made 90% of Kleenex brand’s profits from 2005-2008, single-handedly supplying their employees with paychecks and benefits. (Kleenex employees: You can thank me with buckets full of mac ‘n cheese, or possibly a really cool pimped out tree house.)
But the beautiful thing about people who are wounded is that they are like glass being put through a fire — they can change shape. They’re malleable. And because of this, they have great potential.
Do you want to know the reason why I’m committed to helping others fight for their own emotional well-being through A Brave Life and my counseling practice? (Maybe not, but I’ll tell you anyway.) It’s simple: I want a life of service because that’s what emerged in me after the fire. I will always remember 2005 as the year that kicked my butt, grew my balls, and opened my heart to the idea of helping others grow their own pair too.
It’s understandable if at first you become a worse person as a result of your pain. (Hello– guilty!) But don’t get stuck there. Get better, stronger, kinder, and wiser. Find meaning and purpose in the aftermath of your sh*t storm.
We’re all rooting for you. You can do this.
Your Turn: How has a challenge or trauma propelled you into wiser, braver living?
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I’m starting to realize that I expect perfection, am highly idealistic and I am severely disappointed when I don’t get what I expect. Therefore, when I encounter a sh*tstorm, it feels like the sh*tstorm of the century each time I experience one. I am starting to use humor and learning not jump into everything with both feet; significant other/BFF/career isn’t going to fulfill all of my needs. I’m realizing being brave is facing the sh*tstorm with head held up high, being ok with all the outcomes, knowing that life goes on, and I have a damn good story to tell if I’m lucky enough to live to tell it while grey and sitting in a rocking chair.
Wait, are you an INFP too?? Even if we don’t share the same Myers-Briggs score, I can definitely relate to this. The irony of idealists is that we often travel with a sad storm cloud above our heads because life/relationships/career/every-damn-thing comes with imperfection. And for people like us, imperfection feels like a tragedy!
But I love this brave new perspective you’re developing. (Go you!) I also think there is SO much beauty and possibility in accepting what cannot be changed, being resilient, and MAKING your happiness (vs. trying to find it in your circumstances).
Let me tell ya… I am so glad to see that you replied to this comment because I really put my most vulnerable pieces out there… that is to say… I really put my balls out there in your hands. Nice mental picture, huh
And to see that it also resonated with you was touching. (Can I tell you that I did not know you replied to my comment until I went back through your archives to see if you responded? How do I know when you respond to a comment? And how do I add a picture next to my name? Where’s that IT guy of yours. lol.)
Anywho… I took the Myers-Briggs again because I couldn’t remember the outcome. I am a ISFJ. We both have the introverted and feeling factors going on there. Yes I agree… imperfections do feel like a tragedy! I have had many people I have to build up a wall, some sort of resiliency or some kind of shield because I am so sensitive. Um yeah. I would have done that a long time ago if I knew how to do that! For me, it took a lot of ‘Aha’ and ‘Ah s@#$’ moments built up and to look back on them all with some perspective (and some previous comments therapists had made that stuck with me), a lot of social support (which is sometimes hard to find if you’re a little too isolative, which I have discovered), and to have some fun and let your hair down because it all doesn’t have to be about having your super hero cape on trying to save the world! Shew. That was a mouthful.
Love the blog, girl. Keep it coming!
I AM enjoying the mental picture of your balls. They look great! Congrats!
One thing to consider is that you are just turning the corner from your 20′s into your 30′s (right?). And I’ve recently realized that your 20′s is all about taking notes on how to be a grown-up through lots of lessons learned the hard way, while your 30′s is about getting your feet wet with applying some of what you’ve learned– experimenting with what the wisdom looks and feels like in the real world, falling flat on your face on occasion, but also being more graceful about it than when you were younger. (This is followed by 20 more years of focused practice before we become Jedi Masters at age 65. That’s my theory, anyway.) So when you think about it, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. We both are. Now I just have to accept this and find a way to be happy.
Thanks, as always, for the encouragement and insightful comments!
PS. Ah, notifications about replies to your comments. Those would be nice, huh? Working on it — it’s all part of ABL version 2.0, coming soon!
Yes… I am coming up on the big 3-0 in August. Next Month! Eep! J/K. I have not really been having any OMG I’m getting older freak outs. Just looking forward to more knowledge, feeling even more comfortable in my own skin, etc. Although I do see some beginnings of wrinkles in my face and have been rocking a patch of gray hair for several years now. My reaction to finding my first full length gray hair was… “Huh…. Hey Wow! I sprouted that?” In a sense, I look forward to this new features because I have such young features in the first place. I can’t tell you how many times I STILL get… Oh your still in college (undergrad)? With age, I will look more distinguished, not debilitated. (This is why I space out during the beauty talk at girls night) Not everyone is so fortunate to live to see 30, to be ambulatory, to be mentally healthy (yet still a little neurotic
), to have gone to college, to have a reliable and mentally healthy (yet still a little neurotic) emotional support system. Going to my Great Aunt’s 80th birthday party put a lot of things into perspective for me. Wow. I am so lucky!
A Jedi master by 65. Hmm. Do your parents feel like Jedi masters? (I’m trying to think if your mom is 65 yet)
Ahh. ABL 2.0. Nice! I look forward to all of the bells, whistles, and balls!
p.s. A little correction on my last post “I have had many people TELL ME I have to build up a wall, some sort of resiliency or some kind of shield because I am so sensitive.” Oops. So much for my proof reading skills.
I’m not too freaked out about aging either, even if we’re only talking about the transition from your 20′s to 30′s. But I’m hoping all this soul searching is good practice for when I age in the future, especially when I’m not so much worried about wrinkles as I am about dying and other more serious stuff! But no matter what decade we’re in, I think perspective and gratitude are what’s most important when it comes to being at peace with the changes that come along with aging. You definitely sound like you’ve got these 2 things down. Good for you!
I don’t think my parents are Jedi masters yet actually, lol. (Shhh!) But they’ve definitely grown a lot in the last decade or so, particularly in the last 2 years, in my opinion. And I suspect they’ll hit another growth spurt when they retire. So I’m sticking by my theory! But with a revision: we are Jedi masters at age 65 compared to who we were at ages 25, 35, etc.
A PS. in response to YOUR PS.: Ahh, okay that makes sense now. And yes, they’re right to an extent. I agree that being too sensitive to the imperfections of the world/ others/ yourself is problematic. But I don’t think a “shield” is the answer– I think more ego strength is. And I only know that because I share your problem!
Probably the hardest people to help through the rough depressing (don’t want to get back up, just want to drink myself into forgetting how much it all sucks) times, are those closest to you. Especially spouses and significant others.
I apologize now for dealing with my rock bottom times and thank you for helping me when I’m down.
It is really hard on the struggling person’s spouse. Not just because it’s challenging to hold someone up when they’re drowning, but because it hurts to see someone you love in so much pain.
PS. I guess we’re even. And thank you, too.
There’s one particular, very old sh*t storm with some rather obvious aftermaths I’m still kind of working through, that this really makes me think about.
I don’t think it’s made me any more brave. I’m still working on not being chicken shit about the entire thing.
It has, though, given me a firm belief in hope. Even when life sucks and it seems like it’s never going to stop sucking, it might. It’s reminded me how important it is to love and be kind to myself, which can be hard but makes a world of difference. It’s given me more compassion and empathy for other people with the realization that you just never know what sh*t storm they are living through. It has been the thing that’s really let me understand that mistakes happen, and I will make them and that’s ok.
Amen! You may not feel any braver after your sh*t storm, but hope, compassion towards yourself, empathy with others, and acceptance are HUGE gains. And to be honest, I think if you broke down courage into its parts, you’d find those very same qualities and virtues. Because for me, courage isn’t a lack of fear; it’s being able do all the things you listed above even after you’ve made mistakes and have been hurt.